We've decided to split. We don't know how to do this. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I feel like everything I feel is wrong. I'm almost giddy with joy one moment and then down in the dumps another. When I'm down, I lay in bed for hours, trying to sleep because sleep is impossible at night. I'm tired. I'm bone-tired, as my mother calls it. Weary.
Our children know we're divorcing. Child 1 is our eldest daughter. She's 28 and mature. She also just had our first grandchild - a baby girl that has brought more joy than anything in my life. Child 2 is our middle child, a son. He's sensitive and feels like we rushed into this. I don't have the heart to tell him that we had only 8 or 9 good years of marriage. Child 3 is our youngest, another son. He's happy-go-lucky and took the news really hard. He cried and it broke my heart.
Wasband will be moving in with a friend at the end of the month. It isn't soon enough. It's too weird living in the same house, knowing what we do. I can't watch TV with him with my heart bleeding. I can't bake a cake or make a meal. It makes no sense. Child 3 is still at home and will stay here when his father leaves.
We own our house and I am staying in it. We bought our house 20-years ago. I loved it from the moment I saw it. Can I ever get that love back, or has too much happened here. I don't know. But somehow I've got to take it back. Somehow.
I've told the people closest to me. Others I just haven't. There are friends and even family, who don't know. Our neighbors don't know. Will they notice when he leaves with boxes? Will they notice that his truck isn't in the driveway every night? Will I feel safe here without him?
As always, I have more questions than answers. ~ME
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