My hasband has moved out. I am in the house. We own it...barely. We just paid it off actually. So, there's no mortgage payment. That's the easy part - the good news. But I have really mixed feelings about staying here. While my hasband thinks he has it hard because he had to leave, I feel like it's equally hard for me -- maybe even moreso.
I'm left with a house that is full of memories. Memories of my children are the great ones! But there are also the memories of us - when I confronted him about the affair...when he said he'd had an affair...when I cried day and night. And then there are the unanswered questions; did she sleep with my hasband in my bed? Was she here in my house, when I was not? Did she put her mark here, like a dog marking it's territory with urine? Did she drive past my house? Did she know where I lived? Did she imagine me here?
What am I to do with all of these thoughts?
Can I ever feel like our house...is my house? Is there a way to reclaim it? Is there a way to make it mine? Will I ever feel like I did when I first saw this house - that excitement and anticipation for the life I'd live here?
The only thing I know for sure is that for right now, I don't have a choice. Until we settle things, until we finalize our divorce, I have to stay here. I can't afford to leave. But I may not be able to afford (the upkeep) to stay either. For now, I remain in limbo. I've got to shift my thinking somehow, or staying will be simply unbearable.
Another string of questions for which there are no answers.
Did you have to make any decisions like this? How did it turn out for you? ~ME
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