Sleep is Elusive

I have problems sleeping periodically. But right now, there's a good reason for it. I mean, seriously! I'm living with the husband who cheated on me, who probably had a baby with the OTHER WOMAN, who hid it from me for five years, and who went to a total of three counseling sessions (while I went for a year!). I spent the last two weeks breaking the heart of my children, parents, and anyone else who was invested in my marriage. My future is uncertain. I work from home as a writer, but barely make enough to buy a dress at Kmart. I have no clue how to split things as far as the divorce goes. And the list goes on...and on.

Even though we've slept in the same bed for 30-years, despite our problems, it doesn't feel right to sleep together now. I tried it for a few nights since we decided to split. But I just couldn't do it. I can't really explain why...yet....maybe that will come. So, my hasband, being the real man that he is (inject sarcastic voice here), did nothing. So, I slept on the sofa. I slept there for a few nights. Then I moved to my half-finished guest room. That's where I've been since. It's a tiny room that we used as a nursery when #2 was a baby. Later, when #3 was a little boy, I painted it yellow, with a midnight blue ceiling, and stuck those glow-in-the-dark stars on it. It's on the second floor, and the view outside the windows is the sky. It's a good feeling room, with a simple single bed, a small three-drawered night table, and a small bookshelf that I've filled with hopeful books. There are windows on three sides. In the olden days, it was a sun porch, or a sleeping porch. It's lovely. But. But I still can't sleep. I can't put my finger on it, but my mind just won't relax. I know that sounds stupid. I've got a lot to worry about and think about; it's logical that I can't sleep. But it's not like that. I don't even necessarily ruminate over all those things. I just can't sleep. I've tried counting sheep, counting backwards, focusing on the wind outside the windows. I've tried relaxing music.

My new solution is a website I found while looking for white noise for my baby grand daughter. I love the site and it certainly works during the day, to help me relax. I'm curious to see if it will work, or at least help me to relax. I don't know. We'll see. Will I be able to sleep once he's out of the house? Is that what's so unsettling? This just sucks. My days suck and now my nights do too. Will I ever sleep that sweet sleep again? It sure doesn't seem like it. ~ME