Weighty Issue

OK, so maybe that should say, "Weight Issue." That's the theme of my life. It went something like this. I was married at 19-years old. I was 121 pounds and quite sure I was obese. (What a fool!) I'd already spent years (sad, huh?), dieting. My top weight in high school was 155lbs...a quite reasonable weight at 5 ft 7. Of course hindsight has perfect vision!

Our 20th anniversary (ten years ago) should have been a wake up call. I thought it would be romantic to read the love letters I wrote to the hasband just prior to our marriage in 1983. He was in the service and I was still living with my parents in a tiny town in the Pacific Northwest. So, I sat on the bedroom floor with a box of "love" letters. My intention was to read a few and choose a couple to read to him on our trip to Mexico. But there was one problem. Every single letter had a diatribe about how much weight I promised to lose. "I've lost three pounds since I started fasting." "You'd be so proud of me...I only ate an orange today." Looking back at those letters made me realize one thing; I was obsessed with my weight. But the other thing I remember quite clearly, is that he never once said I was silly for wanting to lose weight. He never once discouraged me from the crazy yo-yo dieting that ruled my life.

Is it any surprise that my therapist helped me realize that I've been unconsciously putting weight on and keeping it on, to keep my hasband away from me? Yeah, not all that hard to figure out! Funny, huh? I hardly know what or how to think of that. I mean, when threatened by another woman, wouldn't you think "one" would do the opposite? Maybe get all dolled up, lose weight, have a boob job? Something like that! But no, I couldn't possibly do anything that other women do. Instead, I put layer upon layer between me and my hasband. Why did I do that? Was it really to distance myself, or was it a challenge, as in "if you love me, prove it by loving the fat version of me"?

Oh jeez...this is all so complicated. Somebody help me!